Don't come over. Stay away. Let me sit in my own poop. I am not a happy camper. I am getting ready to move and in high throw out mode or should I say high THROW UP mode. I am buried under piles of stuff, crap, detritus and rubble from my bourgeois bohemian life and it isn't pretty. Just kill me now. Or better yet, make me feel even more miserable and guilty. Put me in front of a panel of Third World garbage pickers -- did you hear that NPR story on Saturday morning about families in Cairo who do this for a living? Let them sift through my trash bags and declare me the Adolf Eichmann of consumption, the Imelda Marcos of kitchen gadgetry. Let someone benefit from my profligate way of life.
It's bad. It's bad. Just imagine if our family had NOT moved roughly every 5-7 years and had NOT skimmed the top layer of STUFF in our lives. I'm not a packrat. I just LIKE dishes and linens and napkins and salt cellars and candlesticks and cachepots and early American pattern glass, and books. I LIKE to clip interesting articles that I never read again. And my son still LIKES Calvin and Hobbs and stray computer parts and Legos and old tokens from the NY subway system, and Magic cards and other dust bunny gathering stuff.
Margo comes over, looks around and pretty much sizes up the situation. She cracks the whip. Silver rattle from Tiffany, now so tarnished you cannot even read the name of the child for whom it was purchased (not by me). THROW IT OUT! Perfectly useful 3-ring binders in the office, stacks of virgin index cards, boxes of Raisin Bran with a use-by date of 2006. OUT! A dozen serviceable beach towels stacked neatly in the laundry room. Perfectly good bars of soap. GOODBYE!
I hear you clucking, "why doesn't she donate her stuff?" Well, course I am donating stuff. I am giving my children's books to needy schools. Oh, puleeez, I have called the Furniture Bank and the Kidney Foundation, and blah blah blah. WHO HAS TIME FOR THIS?!?!?!? I want it gone, ALL GONE I SAY!
And now excuse me while I pour a glass of wine and go watch HGTV.